Vanished

The love of my life vanished and I don’t know where he is or how I even lost him….I can’t really remember a time when he wasn’t around, I always knew him I guess, so, he was there even if only in my peripheral vision at times. We were friends for a long time and when my father died he really stepped up and was there for me. He’d drop over books and dvds, some small attempts to cheer me up.

Then he asked me to go to a gig with him. I was unsure about myself, and so didn’t know if it was a date or just friends hanging out. What a great night it turned out to be! The gig was brilliant and we went for burgers afterwards – it was so easy and comfortable. He dropped me home but no goodnight kiss and so I figured we were just two friends hanging out. I gathered up some courage later that night and sent him a message to know had he forgotten to kiss me or was I reading the situation wrong – he replied saying he didn’t know how to read the situation either. We kissed on our next night out.

And so I went along quite happily for a long time and then things changed. I could feel him pulling away, creating distance and I asked him what was going on. He said he needed space and wasn’t ready for a relationship….I was heartbroken, because I couldn’t lose him – his friendship and strength meant the world to me during a time where I didn’t feel very strong.

We stayed friends, talking almost every day. Then one day out of the blue he asked me out on a date, he made it clear it was a date and he apologised for what had happened before. I forgave him and things started again, almost seamlessly. The old saying ‘Hurt me once, shame on you – hurt me twice, shame on me’ comes to mind because for a long time it was on again – off again…I had my suspicions that I was becoming a friend with benefits, but I went along with it.

I met someone else during one of the ‘off again’ periods and I went on a few dates with this new person. I was trying my best to give this guy my full attention, but I was always wishing he was someone else. And just when I thought I was succeeding to forget Him, He popped up again and I went back to the old routine. During this time I was talking to someone about this and he was absolutely appalled that I was letting this go on and on and on  – he asked me what was wrong with me, why did I think I didn’t deserve someone who would commit and treat me better? I honestly couldn’t answer those questions because I never really thought about it that way.

Deep down I knew he was right, I did deserve better…but how was I going to let go. It turns out I didn’t have to, He let go for me. He always told me he wasn’t ‘ready for a relationship’ which I now know meant he didn’t want a relationship with me. One day he was gone, no messages, no contact – gone! I felt so betrayed and alone, what was wrong with me that he couldn’t even say goodbye. I’ll never know the answer to that one and being honest I don’t want to know. So goodbye to the once love of my life, I don’t know where he is or how I lost him – but I thank him for having the courage that I didn’t have, and I wish him well.

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